All praise and adoration are due to none but Allah (SWT). May His peace and blessings be upon the noblest of Mankind, Muhammad Al-Mustafa. “Fazakkir inna fa’atiz zikra” – “So go on reminding; surely, reminding is profitable (87:10). “Wa zakkir fainnaz zikra tanfa oul mo’meneen” – “And keep exhorting; for verily exhortation benefits those who believe” (51:55).

The discussion today is on DIVORCE as a social menace. Whether in the developed or developing countries of the world, the family is seen as a very important institution in the society

Introduction

In Islam, ​it is believed that married life should be filled with mercy, compassion, and tranquility. Divorce is permitted in Islam as a last resort. The Prophet Muhammad once said, “Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most hated by Allah.” Divorce is basically the breakup or discontinuity in marriage arising from a couple’s inability to resolve their intolerable incompatibilities

Relationship Before Divorce

• First form: The lovers and sweethearts – They share their pains and joy, and they keep a circular relationship where each is a semicircle
• Second form: Reciprocity in rights and duties – Here they give the rights as a reciprocation unlike in the first form where is it given without limit.
• Third form: The disturbed and unsettled – In this type of situation the couple may seek harmony through a third-party reconciliation
• Fourth form: A painful end – Divorce comes in

N3C Analysis as a Prevention

The SSLD framework emphasizes the concept of N3C. The N3C analysis can be applied to understanding and improving relationships. What are needs? Needs are necessities, requirements or requisites, necessary duties, or an obligation it is a MUST DO as their absence causes discomfort and unhappiness. When a spouse’s critical need is not met in marriage; divorce sets in. Unfortunately, many couples do not understand each other’s needs. To understand each other, each spouse must start with knowing one’s self. Self-awareness exercises are really important here. This will help tithe the Need. Then, they move on to understand their Circumstances of birth, upbringing, and development. After that, they examine their innate Characters. Finally is their level of Capacity to adapt to change and situations.

Negative Impact of Divorce – it diminishes the Quality of Life

• Physical and emotional difficulties in the couples
• Adjusting to a broken home – Stepfamily system
• Children’s academic performance in school is negatively affected
• Development of deviant behaviour e.g. stealing, drug abuse, bullying & rape
• Variety of difficulties like maladjustment, antisocial behaviour, interpersonal problems, and self-esteem problems
• Withdrawal from social participation; having low self-esteem or image; may quit schooling or drop out of school;
• Make children of the family lose respect and loyalty to their parents;
• Loss of parental discipline and control;
• The boys in the family may take to the streets as street or area boys with the possibility of becoming maladjusted;
• The girls in the family may opt for a sex sale – making themselves, available to any man for a paid sexual relationship for a chicken change;
• Divorce affects family members in their relationships with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc.

The Steps to Divorce

1. Evaluate and Try to Reconcile

• When a marriage is in danger, couples are advised to pursue all possible remedies to rebuild the relationship. Divorce is allowed as a last option, but it is discouraged
• Ask yourself, “Have I really tried everything else?” Evaluate your own needs and weaknesses; think through the consequences.
• Communicate with your spouse about your feelings, fears, and needs.
• During this step, the assistance of a neutral Islamic counselor may be helpful for some people.
• “The parties should either hold together on equitable terms or separate with kindness.” (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:229)
• Arbitration
• The Quran says: “And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives. If they both desire reconciliation Allah will effect harmony between them. Verily Allah has full knowledge, and is aware of everything.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:35) – Parents and other relatives
• Some couples seek an alternative, involving an independent marriage counselor as arbiter.
• If this attempt fails, after all due efforts, then it is recognized that divorce may be the only option. The couple proceeds to pronouncing a divorce.

• Filing For Divorce
• When a divorce is initiated by the husband, it is known as talaq. The pronouncement by the husband may be verbal or written, and should only be done once. Since the husband is seeking to break the ​marriage contract, the wife has full rights to keep the dowry (mahr) paid to her.
• If the wife initiates a divorce, there are two options. In the first case, the wife may choose to return her dowry to end the marriage. This is known as khul’.
  • On this topic, the Quran says, “It is not lawful for you (men) to take back any of your gifts except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. There is no blame on either of them if she gives something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah so do not transgress them” (Quran 2:229).
• In the second case, the wife may choose to petition a judge for divorce, with cause. She is required to offer proof that her husband has not fulfilled his responsibilities.
• In this situation, it would be unjust to expect her to also return the dowry. The judge makes a determination based on the facts of the case and the law of the land.
• How?
  • Common courts
  • Shariah courts
  • Between families
• Waiting Period (Iddat)
• After a declaration of divorce, Islam requires a three-month waiting period (called the iddah) before the divorce is finalized.
• During this time, the couple continues to live under the same roof​ but sleeps apart. This gives the couple time to calm down, evaluate the relationship, and perhaps reconcile.
• During the waiting period, the husband and wife are free to resume their relationship at any time, thus ending the divorce process without the need for a new marriage contract.
• Another reason for the waiting period is a way of determining whether the wife is expecting a child. If the wife is pregnant, the waiting period continues until after she has delivered the child. During the entire waiting period, the wife has the right to remain in the family home and the husband is responsible for her support.
• If the waiting period is completed without reconciliation, the divorce is complete and takes full effect. The husband’s financial responsibility for the wife ends.
• Child Custody
• In the event of divorce, children often bear the most painful consequences. Islamic law takes their needs into account and makes sure that they are cared for
• The financial support of any child — both during a marriage or after divorce—rests solely with the father. This is the children’s right to their father. The amount is open for negotiation and should be in proportion with the husband’s financial means.
• The Quran advises the husband and wife to consult each other in a fair manner regarding their children’s future after divorce (2:233). This verse specifically holds that infants who are still nursing may continue to breastfeed until both parents agree on the period of weaning through “mutual consent and counsel.”
• Islamic law stipulates that physical custody of the children must go to a Muslim who is in good physical and mental health and is in the best position to meet the children’s needs.
  • Different jurists have established various opinions of how this might best be done. Some have ruled that custody is awarded to the mother if the child is under a certain age, and to the father if the child is older.
  • Others would allow older children to express a preference. Generally, it is recognized that young children and girls are best cared for by their mothers.
  • In all cases, however, the main concern is that the children are cared for by a fit parent who can meet their emotional and physical needs.
• Divorce Finalized
• After the waiting period is over, the divorce is finalized. It is best for the couple to formalize the divorce in the presence of the two witnesses, verifying that the parties have fulfilled all of their obligations. At this time, the wife is free to remarry if she wishes.
• Islam discourages Muslims from going back and forth about their decisions, engaging in emotional blackmail, or leaving the other spouse in limbo.
  • The Quran says, “When you divorce women and they fulfill the term of their iddat, either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage. If anyone does that, he wrongs his own soul…” (Quran 2:231) Thus, the Quran encourages a divorced couple to treat each other amicably and to sever ties neatly and firmly.
  • If a couple decides to reconcile, after the divorce is finalized, they must start over with a new contract and a new dowry (mahr). And this can only be done twice. The Quran says, “Divorce is to be given two times, and then (a woman) must be retained in a good manner or released gracefully.” (Quran 2:229)
• After divorcing and remarrying twice, if the couple then decides to divorce again, it is clear that there is a major problem in the relationship!
• Therefore in Islam, after the third divorce, the couple may not remarry again. First, the woman must seek fulfillment in marriage to a different man. Only after she is divorced or widowed from this second marriage partner, would it be possible for her to reconcile again with her first husband if they choose.

By: Dr. Sulaimon Olagoke Ogunmuyiwa