Marriage is a beautiful, life-long journey that requires constant nurturing to maintain a strong and healthy bond. One of the most critical aspects of a successful marriage is effective communication. Open and honest communication not only builds trust and understanding but also paves the way for greater intimacy, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling married life

All relationships have ups and downs, but a healthy communication style can make it easier to deal with conflict and build a stronger and healthier partnership. Your spouse is your partner and your support to Jannah, so you need to be able to communicate what troubles you, what pleases you, or what you find interesting, and vice versa so that you can understand and support each other. Hence, do some fun activities together such as cooking, gardening, playing any sport, or doing any task that interests you both – it is from the Sunnah. The Prophet (peace be upon him) stated, “Allah is pleased when a husband plays with his wife, due to this He fixes thawaab (good reward) for them or he establishes halal rizq (lawful sustenance) for them.” Therefore, it is only with effective communication that the above can be realised.

What is communication?

By definition, communication is the transfer of information from one place to another. In relationships, communication allows to you explain to someone else what you are experiencing and what your needs are. The act of communicating not only helps to meet your needs, but it also helps you to be connected in your relationship.

Communicating in the Context of a Relationship

Talk to each other. No matter how well you know and love each other, you cannot read your partner’s mind. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstandings that may cause hurt, anger, resentment, or confusion. The Prophet (peace be on him) and his wives would converse and tell each other stories, often at night after Isha, as is evidenced by the hadith of Umm Zar’, in which they entertain themselves with a story about eleven women who are discussing their spouses. Spending time with one’s spouse in conversation is even rewarded. Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace be on him) said: It is also charity to utter a good word (Bukhari and Muslim). Who deserves good words more than our parents, spouses, children, and family? Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrated that the Prophet (peace be on him) said: The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives. (Tirmidhi)

It takes 2 people to have a relationship and each person has different communication needs and styles. Couples need to find a way of communicating that suits their relationship. Healthy communication styles require practice and hard work. Communication will never be perfect all the time. Be clear when communicating with your partner, so that your message can be received and understood. Double-check your understanding of what your partner is saying. When you talk to your partner, try to:

• set aside time to talk without interruption from other people or distractions like phones, computers, or television
• think about what you want to say
• be clear about what you want to communicate
• make your message clear, so that your partner hears it accurately and understands what you mean
• talk about what is happening and how it affects you
• talk about what you want, need, and feel – use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I need’, ‘I want’, and ‘I feel’
• accept responsibility for your own feelings
• listen to your partner. Put aside your own thoughts for the time being and try to understand their intentions, feelings, needs, and wants (this is called empathy)
• Share positive feelings with your partner, such as what you appreciate and admire about them, and how important they are to you
• be aware of your tone of voice
• negotiate and remember that you don’t have to be right all the time. If the issue you are having is not that important, try to let the issue go, or agree to disagree.

Non-Verbal Communication

When we communicate, we can say a lot without speaking. Our body posture, tone of voice, and the expressions on our faces all convey a message. These non-verbal means of communicating can tell the other person how we feel about them. If our feelings don’t fit with our words, it is often the non-verbal communication that gets ‘heard’ and believed. For example, saying ‘I love you’ to your partner in a flat, bored tone of voice, gives 2 very different messages. Notice whether your body language reflects what you are saying.

Listening and communication

Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly. Tips for good listening include:

• Keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate).
• Lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern.
• Have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways.
• Sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person.
• Avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers.
• Be aware that physical barriers, noise, or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening.
• Let the other person speak without interruption.
• Show genuine attention and interest.
• Use assertive statements like ‘I feel…about…’, and ‘What I need is…’.
• Be aware of your tone.
• Be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue.
• Ask for feedback on your listening from the other person.

Improving communication in a relationship

Open and clear communication can be learned. Some people find it hard to talk and may need time and encouragement to express their views. These people may be good listeners, or they may be people whose actions speak louder than their words.

You can help to improve your communication by:

• building companionship – sharing experiences, interests, and concerns with your partner, and showing affection and appreciation
• sharing intimacy – intimacy is not only a sexual connection. Intimacy is created by having moments of feeling close and attached to your partner. It means being able to comfort and be comforted and to be open and honest. An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired
• finding one or 2 key issues you can agree on, such as how finances are distributed, a goal you have, or your parenting styles or strategies.

Allah says in the Qur’an: “They are your garments and you are their garments” – (Qur’an 2:187) Be close to each other just like a garment; guard each other’s faults and beautify each other publicly and privately.

To improve the way you communicate, start by asking questions such as:

• What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
• What things bring you happiness and feelings of connection?
• What things cause you disappointment and pain?
• What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
• How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?

If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider, and try, ways to communicate differently. See whether the results improve your communication.

When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what happens between you. While it may not be easy at first, opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

Managing Conflict with Communication

Tips for how to manage conflict with communication include:

• Avoid using the silent treatment.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out all the facts rather than guessing at motives.
• Discuss what actually happened. Don’t judge.
• Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
• Talk using the future and present tense, not the past tense.
• Concentrate on the major problem, and don’t get distracted by other minor problems.
• Talk about the problems that hurt you or your partner’s feelings, then move on to problems about differences in opinions.
• Use ‘I feel’ statements, not ‘You are’ statements.

Seeking help for communication issues

If you can’t seem to improve the communication in your relationship, consider talking with a relationship counsellor. Counsellors are trained to recognise the patterns in a couple’s communication that are causing problems and to help change those patterns, as well as providing strategies, tips, and a safe place to explore issues. You could also consider doing a course that is relevant to your relationship. It is better to act early and talk to someone about your concerns, rather than wait until things get worse.

Money and marriage—managing your costs as a couple

Today we are living in a consumer society; everything has its own value, and money is the medium of exchange. The house we live in, schools we send our children to, vacations we go on, clothes we wear, and the food we eat all depict our status in society, all of which are governed by money.

Marriage is a blessed union that unites the lives of two people emotionally, legally and physically. Yet, it is seen that marriages go through a stressful stage when money comes in. The primary fundamental component in a fruitful marriage building or family building is money and finances. 

In Islam, it states clearly, that the man (husband) is responsible for providing for his wife and children financially. The husband is obliged to share his wealth with his wife and children of his nuclear family. Narrated by `Abdullah bin `Umar, Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said: “…A man is the guardian of his family (household) and is responsible for his subjects; a woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and of his children and is responsible for them…” [Sahih al-Bukhari, 7138]. So, it is the husband’s job to fulfill their necessities in the best way he can. However, he is only required to satisfy their needs and not their desires. Nafaqah consists of all needs of a family, with regard to available resources and conventions [‘urf] of the time, place, and social level of the family. Some of these needs are enumerated below:

• Food, fruit, and other such needs according to standard requirement
• Seasonal clothing according to the needs and social level of the family
• Carpeting and beds
• Cooking, eating, and drinking utensils
• Cooling and heating appliances
• Living quarters that provide comfort for the family and is in accordance with the social standing of the family
• Personal care and medical expenses
• Hygienic and cosmetic products

Managing finances together in a marriage can be tricky, but following a few simple steps can take the pressure off. When it comes to finances and marriage, communication is key.  Managing your finances with someone else requires a great deal of communication and trust. Even the most compatible couples can have markedly different attitudes to money, so it’s important to approach the topic of your marriage finances openly and honestly. Here are 10 effective tips on financial planning for married couples:

1. Discuss your current financial situation

Financial planning for married couples starts with the evaluation of the current scenario. Sit down together and discuss where you are in your finances currently.  Your individual and collective spending habits, personal debt, and things you want to enjoy or purchase in the future (individually and collectively).  Also, discuss what you cannot go without (be realistic).  Take the time to speak and discuss your desires, dreams, and needs, even if, at this stage, they don’t seem to be heading in the same direction. And remember to be patient with each other.

2. Decide about your financial goals and spending habits in detail

This could be your best financial advice. Decide on what is the most important aspect of your financial planning right now. Is it saving for a house, a new addition to the family, building savings, or even enjoying a couple of years taking holidays and enjoying the early phase of married life together?   

Next look at what habits, if any, need to change or be negotiated and what habits each spouse may have that could cause concern for the other spouse. Then, attempt to negotiate a way forward. Or make a note to seek advice about a way forward for this at a later date. Consider how you will manage if one of you lost your job or your circumstances change somehow and consider how you might like to plan a saving or insurance strategy to protect you during those times.  

3. Decide what you would like to do with your bank accounts

Would you like joint bank accounts only, individual accounts, or a combination of joint and separate accounts? Financial planning for married couples can include such questions. Joint accounts are useful for household bills and family expenses. It makes it easier to individually transfer a portion of the money to a joint account so that everything you jointly need is covered. If each spouse has their own individual accounts, they can use that for their own individual spending needs, which makes managing bills and diffusing potential overspending arguments much easier. You’ll be able to spend your own personal money without needing to feel guilty for spending or having to check in with your spouse.

4. Create your budget

Looking for tips on financial planning. Prepare a budget first. Discuss where you are now and how much money you need to put aside for bills and other commitments. Check to see that you can afford everything you need and if you can’t work out how you can compromise. Hopefully, you won’t have to cancel that Netflix subscription, but if you must, then it’s important to be able to make those sacrifices to keep yourself straight financially. Financial planning for married couples can be complex if you aren’t ready to make adjustments.

If you don’t have enough money to make ends meet, you might need to consider other options you may have, such as taking a part-time job, or side hustle, seeking new employment, retraining or educating yourself, or temporarily moving in with family until you can straighten out your finances.  Make it good practice to discuss a budget before you go out, or for how much you spend on going out for meals and nights out, for example.  It’s so easy to quickly spend your bills money just on nights out, especially when the drinks are flowing!

5. Devise a contingency plan

Planning for unexpected events is intelligent advice for newly married couples. If you have money left after you’ve planned your budget, set it aside for a contingency plan. The amount you save is entirely up to you but it should be a habit that you get yourself into.  Consider unexpected occurrences that might happen and make sure you plan for them.  It’s not just disasters or job losses that can catch you by surprise. You can always guarantee that your washing machine will break down just at the same time that your vacuum and cooker do too.  This is also a time to consider health and life insurance coverage. If you don’t have anything left to build a contingency, then go back to point four and take up a part-time job or side hustle.  

6. Seek out a financial advisor

Next, you’ll be wise to plan for your retirement, and if you have money left, start to invest. This can be a complicated and risky challenge if you don’t know what you are doing. While financial planning for married couples, seeking out a great, unbiased, and honest financial advisor to help you plan the more complicated aspects of financial planning will help you greatly. A professional advisor can provide great support on new married couple tips.

If you don’t have the budget to work with a financial advisor, start to conduct research on the best opportunities for retirement planning for the future and do your best to make a wise choice. But, at the first opportunity, get it checked out professionally so that you don’t make any costly mistakes.

7. Align long-term financial decisions

Start by setting common financial goals that align with your shared values and priorities. Talk about your long-term goals such as saving for a down payment on a house, investing for retirement, paying off debt or funding your children’s education. Once you have your goals in place, break them down into smaller, manageable steps. Determine how much you need to save each month to achieve these goals, and make a plan to save accordingly. Setting common goals together can help you stay motivated and work towards a shared future.

By: Dr. Sulaimon Adegoke Ogunmuyiwa