INTRODUCTION

Islam is the total way of life of a Muslim. Hence, a Muslim must live his life in line with the dictates of the sharī‘ah (Islamic law). The sharī‘ah is divine, perfect, comprehensive, and invisible. It contains everything that will guide a Muslim towards success in this life and the hereafter. Allāh says:

We have not neglected in the Register a thing.^[1]

Ahwālus Shakhsiyyah (Islamic Family Law) is a branch of Islamic law that spells out the way and manner Muslims must conduct themselves in a marriage. One of the purposes of marriage in Islām is to help the believing men and women lower their gaze and refrain from unlawful sexual relationships. This clearly depicts the essence of sex and intimacy in Islam and the need for Muslim couples to take it seriously. Allāh forbids zina (fornication and adultery). He warned Muslims not to even move near it. He says in Suratun Nūr:

And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.^[2]

Sexual incompatibility is one of the most common marital problems in our society. If husband and wife do not match each other in their sexual orientation, exposure, and nature, they will not enjoy their sex life as expected. Sexual incompatibility could either be partial or complex. While it is easy to resolve partial sexual incompatibility issues, the complex ones can be very difficult to rectify and can even lead to divorce if care is not taken.

This article discusses marital sex as an act of ibadah and the need to enlighten Muslim couples on it, especially at the premarital stage using Islamic-compliant mechanisms. It also examines the term “sexual incompatibility”, the various ways it can manifest in a marriage, and how it can be prevented or corrected.

SEX AS AN ACT OF IBĀDAH

In Islam, marital sex and intimacy are regarded as a form of ibādah (act of worship). There are several verses of the Qur’ān emphasizing the essence of marital sex in Islam. In Suratul Baqarah, Allāh described husband and wife as each other’s garment. He says:

It has been made permissible for you the night preceding fasting to go to your wives [for sexual relations]. They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.^[3]

In another verse, Allāh said:

Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for yourselves.^[4]

The scholars of Islam said the above verses are about marital intimacy. Though these verses are not explicit about sex and intimacy as some matters are not meant to be elaborate in the Qur’ān and some words that appear vulgar are avoided to preserve the sanctity and honour of the Qur’ān, some hadiths are plain to the effect that what Allāh wants married couples to enjoy their sex and intimacy satisfactorily.

Apart from the fact that sex is meant to fulfill a natural feeling, it is a form of charity. This means that it is an act of ibādah. In a hadith reported by Abu Dharr  رضي الله عنه the Prophet ﷺ said:

And in the bud`i [sexual act] of each one of you, there is a charity.^[5]

Since one of the purposes of marriage is for the husband and wife to fulfill their sexual urge in a halāl way, couples must pay adequate attention to it. In what looks like an explanation regarding the above hadith, Sheikh Abu Nasir Ibrahim Abdurraufحفظه الله said the fact that a woman would be committing sins if she rejects the call of her husband for sex shows that sex is a form of ibādah.

FACTORS UNDERLINING SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY AND HOW TO MANAGE THEM

Sexual incompatibility is a situation whereby husband and wife have “differing sexual needs, desires, or preferences”.^[6] It is one of the most common challenges that many couples are facing in their marriages in our contemporary time. Anytime I have the opportunity to interact with people on sex and intimacy, one of the frequent questions is how to determine sexual compatibility before marriage. My usual response to this question is that there is no way to determine sexual compatibility before marriage because there is a limitation to the access husband and wife can have to each other before marriage. This limitation is not peculiar to sexual compatibility.

Sexual incompatibility between couples can be on the grounds of attraction, communication, hygiene, dressing, foreplay, oral sex, sex styles, timing, sexual performance (libido), size issues, and so on. It is important to briefly discuss some of these points with clear insight on how couples can be incompatible in relation to them and explain how they can be curbed or corrected.

Attraction

One of the common grounds of sexual incompatibility is when someone gets married to his or her spouse without a significant physical point of attraction. The Prophet ﷺ did not say a man could not marry a woman because of her beauty, and he did not forbid a woman from marrying a handsome man. The Prophet ﷺ ordered Jabir Ibn Abdullah رضي الله to go and check on the woman he wanted to marry. The instruction of Allāh is: marry women of your choice.[7] This means that a man or woman is allowed to marry a woman or man that appeals to him or her respectively. This also means “do not marry a man or woman that does not look handsome or beautiful to you”, even though the Deen (piety) is the priority according to the relevant hadith.

Communication

Communication is generally important in a marriage. It is more important when it comes to sexual-related matters. Poor communication on sexual-related issues between husband and wife is one of the factors underlining sexual incompatibility in marriage. If there is a breakdown of communication in marriage on sexual-related issues, it can halt sexual intercourse between the couple completely. It could be a situation whereby both parties are not willing to discuss their sexual problems together or a case of a party frustrating the efforts of his or her spouse towards a fruitful deliberation on whatever sexual issue they might be having.

Dressing/Appearance

One of the factors that can occasion sexual incompatibility in marriage is when a man or woman does not dress properly to the admiration of his or her spouse. I have a manuscript on how couples can seduce their partners in the halāl way, and one of the seductive tips I have identified is dressing well to attract the attention of one’s spouse towards sex. The term dressing refers to both sexy and non-sexy dresses. Couples should try to wear good dress for each other in the house even when they are not going out of the house. This can ignite their passion for sex. They can also dress sexy for each other in the bedroom or when they are alone in the house wearing nice undies and erotic wear.

Hygiene

In my research on sex and intimacy, I have not found any factor that leads to sexual incompatibility in a marriage as inconsistencies relating to hygiene and cleanness. When couples are not on the same page regarding care of the body, they stand a chance of losing their sex lives gradually. Couples need to take proper care of their sexual hygiene and be religious about their domestic sanitation.

Foreplay

Foreplay is one of the most essential aspects of sexual intercourse. It requires the stimulation of some erogenous parts of the body for some time before actual intercourse (penetration). It is wrong to narrow sex down to penetration. The role of foreplay in sex, especially for women cannot be overemphasized. This is what some women enjoy most in sexual intercourse. If a man does not do it properly, it leads to serious pain for women. When a man rushes to penetration without playing sufficiently with his wife, this can end up becoming a serious case of sexual incompatibility.

For instance, it is a form of sexual incompatibility for a party to hate kissing or fingering. Some men hate to suck the breast when their wives are breastfeeding. Some even regard it as a taboo without any sharī’ah justification. Some spouses can’t engage in erotic talk with their partners. Some find it difficult to chat erotically with their spouses out of shyness. The appropriate thing is for couples to be vulnerable with each other.

Oral Sex

From the Islamic point of view, the minority Islamic scholars said it is harām (forbidden) or at least makruh (distasteful) due to its medical risks and on moral grounds. The view of the majority of scholars is that oral sex is permissible if couples want it because there is no text of the sharī’ah prohibiting it. But couples who love to engage in it are strongly advised to take proper care of their oral and sexual hygiene and treat infections from time to reduce medical risks.

Some couples are not sexually compatible on the grounds of oral sex. Sometimes, we find that a man wants it badly while his wife refuses to give it to him, and vice versa. There is no doubt about the fact that oral sex is one of the sexual activities that some people want to experience with their spouses even it will just be once in a lifetime. One of the reasons why some people don’t like it is the irritation involved. To reduce the irritation, couples can make use of yoghurt or ice-cream.

Sex Styles

Some couples are not compatible on the grounds of sex styles and positions they like or enjoy. While some spouses love to explore various styles, some spouses stick to just or two (missionary or just “missionary” and “doggy”). Some do not even want any style apart from the “missionary” style. They do not want to subscribe to any other style their partners might have an interest in. This can strain the sex life of the affected couples.

In Islām, any sex posture is permissible provided it is not the anus that is being penetrated and there is no imminent harm upon the couple.  Couples must be careful and ensure that the sex style they subscribe to is that which will not make them sustain injury. If a man wants a particular style, his wife should endeavor to learn it to please him, and vice versa.

Sexual Performance

Sexual performance is very important in a marriage. Generally, the best thing is for couples to be able to last long in sex. The kind of man women want is one who is fully in charge of his erection. A man who is able to hold his erection till his wife is fully satisfied. A man who does not have the problem of quick release or premature ejaculation. A man who is quick to regain his erection after losing it.

On the other hand, the kind of woman men also want is one who is easily aroused and who drips sufficiently to withstand longer penetration especially if the man is the type that also lasts long. Men want a woman that is free from vagina dryness. A woman who does not always depend on lubricants for penetration. The libido of a couple should be moderate. It should not be too high and not too low. This is the ideal sexual performance in a marriage.

The first step to be taken to solve the problem of sexual performance is to meet a sex therapist for help. Some of the solutions usually prescribed by experts to cure or manage the problem of sexual performance are:

– the mutual commitment of the two parties to solve the problem

– contentment

– fear of Allāh and supplications

– openness

– avoiding too much of processed sugar

– exercise

– regular sex

– stress management

– taking a lot of fruits

– no to Viagra

– no to unauthorized herbs

– fingering and handjob (for men)

Sex Locations and Timing

Sexual incompatibility between a couple may also be by way of a spouse not wanting to embrace some creative ways of enjoying sex from his or her partner. It could be by way of rejecting the request of a spouse to have sex in strange places, such as the bathroom, living room, office, in the car, and so on.  From the Islamic perspective, there is nothing bad in having sex in any of the above-mentioned locations if the couple so desires and the environment is secure, safe, and conducive for them.

Size Incompatibility

If the penis of a man is on average, there is a presumption that it will satisfy any woman who has not been hitherto exposed to a bigger penis or that has not given birth through the vagina. An averagely tight vagina will be able to accommodate an average size penis. Then, it is important to point out that the vagina is elastic, it is able to entertain a bigger penis too. Some women become frigid if their penis is too big, but they get over it as time goes on.

CONCLUSION

Having discussed the general position of the sharī‘ah on sex and the various solutions available for couples going through the problem of sexual incompatibility, it is safe to conclude that one of the solutions to extreme cases of sexual incompatibility is divorce or practice of polygyny (by men).

During the lifetime of the Prophet ﷺ, there was a case of a woman who went to him with a complaint over her husband’s penis size. The hadith was reported by ‘Aishah رضي الله عنها. The woman was divorced irrevocably by her former husband, Rifā’ah Al-Qurazi رضي الله عنه. While reporting her case to Prophet ﷺ, she made a gesture of the size of the penis of the new husband with the tip of her dress. This sign indicated that the size of the new husband’s penis was too small for her to bear. The Prophet ﷺ told her:

Do you want to return to Rifa’ah? No, until you taste his honey, and he tastes yours.^[8]

From the above hadith, it can be understood that the Prophet ﷺ would have granted the divorce and allow her to go back to the former husband but for the fact that his divorce with her was irrevocable (meaning he had previously divorced him twice). Yet, his verdict was to the effect that she can only go back to the former husband after Abdurrahman bin Al-Zubair رضي الله عنه must have first tasted her honey and she must also taste his honey. That is, they must first have sexual intercourse with each other before she can go back to her former husband.

[1] Al-An’aam: Verse 38

[2] Al-Israa: Verse 32

[3] Al-Baqara: Verse 187

[4] Al-Baqara: Verse 223

[5] Muslim: Hadith 25

[6] Samantha Bickham, LMHC, Signs of Sexual Incompatibility & What to Do About It, reviewed by Naveed Saleh, MD, MS Published Choosing Therapy on October 2, 2023

[7] An-Nisaa’: 3

[8] Bukhari and Muslim

By: Bar. Abdullateef Lanre Abdullahi

Proprietor, Mawaddah Consult and Author, Halal Sex and Intimacy